Two things that were important to us were playing music we liked to dance to and that no one be made to feel uncomfortable. We didn’t want any bouquet or garter tosses and wanted both straight and gay couples to feel comfortable dancing on the same floor. I’ve been uncomfortable at some straight weddings and I hate being singled out a wedding in front of 200 people. Let people drink and act a fool on their own terms.

Guy really heard us and played a good mix of songs I gave him and songs he mixed in. He did a center-piece giveaway where everyone danced around their tables, but instead of singling people out, he had a unique game with a 5 dollar bill, a table full of people and a fully charged soundtrack. It energized everyone and got the whole reception on the dance floor which they never left.

We asked Guy how it was to work our lesbian wedding and whether it was different from straight weddings he’s worked. These were his thoughts:

Dear Steff,

I hope things are going well for you and Galit and that you are enjoying every moment together. As far as the wedding and my experience with you, what can I say, I was working with a young couple in love with a little twist. A wall was overcome and It was about celebration. A Romeo and Juliet or should I say Juliet and Juliet story only with a happy ending. The reception was spectacular with only a few alterations to fit the occasion. Having you dance with your brothers for thanks and support I think was a great touch and also help keep structure of the reception. I do have to say that the biggest difference I notice was the overwelming joy in your guests faces, much more than the day to day weddings I’ve done. They as-well as I were so happy to be apart of your special day.

Best Wishes!

Guy Nicotra
NuImage Entertainment

Here’s just one example of what I mean by possibilities. In some Catholic wedding ceremonies, the couple gets only a certain number of readings to pick from. But, when you’re gay and there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell the Catholic Church will let you have a traditional “Catholic wedding ceremony,” you get lots of options. Those options include…wait for it…. Catholic readings as well as any other readings you damn well please.

With so many options, the challenge is sifting through them or creating your own new traditions. Breaking new ground is so stressful!

Almost every vendor we interviewed assumed my wife was the bride and I was the “friend.” Who’s the groom? They inevitably ask her. “I am,” I’d chime in. In every case, a flash of processing and readjusting crossed people’s eyes. Once it clicked in, we were down to business and it wasn’t an issue. Years from now, when gay and lesbian weddings are commonplace, this moment of slightly awkward readjusting of perceptions will be a thing of the past.

We asked every vendor we visited if they had be involved in gay weddings before. All the people we interviewed said yes. Few batted an eyelash. I’d recommend this as a way to break any ice and to get a feel for the place/people. Also, it’s nice to know if they have experiences modifying the traditions of straight weddings you are hoping to use. There are so many ways to modify and be creative for a same-sex wedding it’s almost overwhelming, so having a vendor with some creative ideas and a little experience might help your stress level a bit.

So you want to host a bachelorette party for a lesbian friend getting married?  Ok, the straight talk is this: it’s no different than having one for a straight friend.  Like with any wedding event, this should be a personal touch that clearly represents both the bride and TomBride™. In fact, it should represent the couple as a whole.

I know, I know. You’ve seen Bridezilla and just know your friend will want to hit up a strip club or flail drunkenly through the town in a veil and wedding dress only to look at pictures the next morning and have no memory of the evening. Well, I can tell you that most solid couples (gay or straight) that have actually taken the time to comprehend the sanctity of marriage will probably want a bachelorette party that is kindred to the respect she shows her fiancée. Here are some tips from a girl that just lived it:

Here are a few ideas to get you started, but again, tailor it to your bride or TomBride™.

Theme/Decorations:
There’s only one rule of thumb for decorating a lesbian’s bachelorette party: no penises please.  No matter how Tom your TomBride™ is, it’s just not a good look.

Guest List:
You should feel free to invite those friends closest to the Bride/TomBride™.  As straight parties go, women at a man’s bachelor party are a cultural “no-no.”  For those of the lesbian persuasion it tends to be a bit more open.  For my sister’s TomBride™ bachelorette party, I invited everyone that was in the wedding party, plus a few extra folks from both genders whom I knew she would want to spend her special farewell to singledom with.  I recommend asking your TomBride™ or Bride for a general idea who they want to attend.  They may know their friends better than you and could help you avoid an awkward situation.

Games:
The games you choose should suit the theme and personality of the party.  I had a few games on hand for filler if needed, but it ended up being a bunch of friends who hadn’t seen each other in a while and the party flowed on its own.  Don’t force games on a group that seems comfy without.

General Resources:
I know you’ve known your loved one forever and think you know all about them. But, do you know how you can offer your support outside the wedding venue?  Here are some resources that answer some frequently asked questions and provide additional support and information for those interested.

Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians & Gays (PFLAG)’s family and friends page.

The Rainbow Wedding Network is a general guide for the happy couple with a touch of advice and a vendor search by location for the rest of us.

TwoBrides.com is a resource, again, for lesbian couples planning to wed, but have some cute ideas and articles for those of us in need of general information or a cute gift for the happy couple.

Salute and happy planning!

So, we took a dance with Liz Nania at Out to Dance. Liz was awesome. She made us pick who was leading and who was following. You can’t have two drivers. Once we had our roles, we learned some basic steps. What a difference it made learning how to lead and follow. “How do guys just know how to do this,” I asked Liz. “Most don’t,” Liz replied. “It’s a common complaint of straight women.” Many husbands don’t really know how to lead. I thought it was some performance enhancing side effect of testosterone. Who knew?

Instead we came up with a plan to dance with our fathers and half-way thorugh switch to dance with each other and have the dads finish the song with the moms. We planned all this with our DJ (Guy from New Image Entertainment).

When the day was finally upon us and it came time for the parent dance, Galit and I danced with our dads to Phil Collins You’ll be in my Heart. (a wonderful song, if hard to follow in a slow dance. Sorry for crushing your feet, Dad!) Halfwary thorugh the song, the DJ nodded to our mothers who went and danced with our dads. Just as Galit and I started toward each other to finish the dance, both our brothers came to the floor and cut in! We were so surprised and delighted. It ended up being the best way to handle the situation and was set up by the DJ himself!

We’re here! We’re queer! When I was out at one of the many same-sex marriage rallies at the State House in Boston, cheering with all the other queer and straight supporters, my favorite sign was held by a gay man: “We’ve been planning your weddings forever! Let us do our own!” As a dance teacher who’s been teaching LGBT folks and really nice straight folks to dance at the heterosexual folks’ weddings for 20 years, I get it.  Finally, my gay and lesbian dance students and I have the same joyful opportunity to dance at our own weddings. So what will you and your spouse-to-be do with that?

Envisioning your dance: When you’re planning your wedding, the fantastic part about being lesbian or gay is the freedom to choose which traditions you’ll keep, and how you’ll keep them. If you choose to have a first dance, the possibilities are truly endless. Who will lead, who will follow, or will both? Will your song be a romantic old torch song, an indie alternative, or a little bit of opera? Couples often ask me if they’ll be able to dance to some unique particular song they love. My answer is always an enthusiastic yes. All you need is help finding the rhythm and tempo, and tailoring your footwork to fit.  After many years teaching ballroom, salsa and swing dancing to same-sex and opposite-sex couples, I know without a doubt you can mold your dancing to fit absolutely any kind of music imaginable, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Find a dance teacher who will respect your song choice.

Who should lead? Another bonus for queer people: the best person for the job gets it! The short answer to who should lead is, the Control Queen should lead. May I elaborate? The leader will be the person who feels more comfortable choosing and initiating each step during your dance.  It has nothing to do with height or gender, it’s about dance confidence. Sometimes it’s also about who would prefer to relax and forgo that responsibility (follow), or who would like to be in the driver’s seat. The leader has the more intellectual job and the follower has the more intuitive job.  Also, the follower will probably be spinning a bit more than the leader. Can you trade off lead and follow? Of course, but you’re going to be spending twice as much time learning two roles, hours which could be spent learning more fun moves; it’s your choice.  (Also, most people actually have a hard time identifying leader and follower in same-sex dance couples, often making vague assumptions based on which dancer appears more butch in the moment.)

Choreography: How choreographed (read: memorized) will you want your dance to be? Not very. The biggest mistake couples make is expecting to have a completely choreographed performance, and unless you dance for a living, this will do nothing but create enough stress to eclipse all other wedding day stress. If you forget one tiny move in your memorized routine, the rest of your dance may collapse in a heap like Dorothy’s house onto the Wicked Witch of the West. When a couple works with me, I help them create a beginning and an ending, and I teach them a repertoire of fun, spontaneous steps to use naturally whenever they choose. Don’t let dance studios talk you into sinking lots of hours and cash into choreographed routines; most of my students successfully complete their wedding dance prep in about three hours of private lessons, if their song is simple.

The most important thing to do in your first dance? Enjoy your magical, romantic, intimate and joyful experience!

Twirling on our first dance.